Do I Have A Crush Or Is It Real Love?
By Joanna Smykowski
Updated December 11, 2018
Ever wonder, «Do I have a crush or is it, real love?» There are some who claim that EVERY time we are infatuated, we are experiencing some form of love. Is it attraction or is it «real love» and what is a real love for that matter? Is it real love when two people stay together for a long time…but then divorce 20 or 30 years later?
Is it love when a couple of teenagers hook up but then over time realize that they have feelings for one another. Maybe they even get married and have children. What started off as a «crush» (because teenagers don’t know any better, or so they claim) has now been together for 50 years!
Do I Have a Crush or Not?
The simple answer is that no one can define for you if it’s real love or infatuation unless they first understand:
- How this relationship makes you feel
- How the other person feels
- How likely that the two of you can sustain this relationship in the long run
Because infatuation is often characterized as romantic feelings that are somehow negative. If you’re infatuated or crushing on someone you’re mainly interested in having sex with them to cure you of these romantic notions. You may even realize that you have nothing in common besides a one-sided attraction.
Once you meet the other person you may even see that they’re not the person you thought they were. We tend to idealize people according to what we want and what we crave in our own lives. It’s safe to say then that most people who «crush», regardless of age, are projecting to some extent.
Love, on the other hand, is characterized by a deep caring about another person, an unselfish type of love. You support the other person, you work together to solve problems, and you stand by this person in good times or bad.
If you’re slightly confused, rest assured it’s far less complicated than it seems.
The truth is that sometimes love starts as infatuation. But when you spend time with that person, your love can grow over time. You start to realize that sexual urges aside, you still feel drawn to them, supportive of them and want to be their lifetime partner.
If love «lasts» then it’s a form of real love. Just because love ends doesn’t mean it was never love to begin with. If the «love» you feel fades quickly and you find yourself crushing on someone else, it’s likely infatuation.
Interestingly, there was an article in a UK magazine discussing why human beings develop crushes in the first place and some of the theories are fascinating.
For example, Dr. Blumberg was quoted as saying that our limbic brain constantly craves dopamine, and since sex involves a dopamine rush, part of us wants sex with anyone we see who’s vaguely attractive. The cortex part of the brain, on the other hand, gives us a filter for our own survival.
Sometimes the person we develop a crush on is also chosen for a specific and evolutionary reason. Namely, survival. We are attracted to people who, in theory, could provide resources valuable to our descendants. So not surprisingly, women develop crushes on rich men, older men, famous men, and men develop crushes on women who are kind, more sociable, and that sort of thing.
It’s safe to say that if infatuation is troubling you, it will go away eventually. Love, sometimes, unfortunately, stays with us for the rest of our lives. Choose wisely and don’t jump into anything without careful thought. You can always give us a ring at Betterhelp and talk to a counselor about your love life and future.
I HAVE A CRUSH ON MY GOOD FRIEND!!! – Dork Diaries
Hi Brandon! I have a good friend who is like my brother. But then I started having weird dreams about him. And okay, I’ll admit it, I’m starting to think of him as more than a brother. Lately, I’ve been thinking about him a lot. Also, this weird thing is happening to me. Whenever someone mentions his name, I blush so much that my ears turn red!! I don’t know what’s happening. Brandon, have you ever felt like this when you think about someone? What did you do? What is your advice? Does anyone feel like this? Please help me understand this problem. I am really confused.
Christy’s Crush Crisis
You have come to the right place for advice, because I have DEFINITELY felt like this. I bet lots of readers have!! So first of all, I’m pretty sure that weird thing that’s happening to you is a crush. You describe it kind of perfectly, with your ears turning red at the mention of his name. For some people, it might be a weird flipping sensation in their stomach. And for others, it might be suddenly clammy hands. Their hands might get so clammy that they drop their camera…been there, done that, got the t-shirt! But, whether it’s ears, hands, or shaky legs…that sounds like a crush, no question.
I think what’s more confusing to you, though, is that this guy started as a close friend. Right? And that’s different than having an insta-crush on someone the first time you see them.
It would be weird-bad if he WAS your brother. But the fact is, a friend who’s close like a brother is just someone you trust a lot and have a long history with, and while having a crush on him is different than what you had with him before, it’s not wrong.
You might be worried that these new feelings are going to change your friendship. And that’s understandable. They might. But since you’ve got such a strong foundation, I think your friendship will be okay in the long run.
One positive thing you’ve got going for you is that you don’t have to make up excuses to hang around him, if he’s already a close friend. Some people only catch glimpses of their crushes between classes or across a crowded bus. You can keep hanging out with him, just like you always have!
So, I think you should take advantage of that and continue to hang out with your friend. And, understanding what those weird feelings are will help. Remind yourself he’s still the guy he’s always been. He has no idea anything has changed. And, nothing has to. You can keep feeling the feelings. They might fade. Or one day, you might realize that he has started to act googly-eyed around you.
Who knows what will happen? But try to enjoy the (sometimes sweaty, ear-burning) ride, because having a crush can be agonizing, but it’s also a ton of fun!!
Has anyone else ever had feelings change from friendship to a crush? How did you handle it?
I DO NOT HAVE A CRUSH ON MY BEST FRIEND! – Dork Diaries
Hi Nikki! I’m a girl and I have a BFF who just happens to be a boy. I DO NOT have a crush on him, and he does not have a crush on me, and that is that. But people always tease us and say, “Oooh, are you both crushing on each other?” They also sing that “Sitting In A Tree” song about us, and it’s super annoying!! Any advice on how to make them shut up?!
So Not Crushing
Hi So Not Crushing,
This is the WORST! I’m sorry you’re dealing with this. I think it’s awesome when guys and girls are friends. But it’s SO frustrating when people insist on seeing something else that’s SO not there, like a crush!
Like, what is even the point of that kind of teasing? Do they think you really do have a crush and want you to admit it? What do they get out of that? And do they really think embarrassing you is going to make it happen?
(Obviously, you don’t know the answers to these questions. And also obviously, I have experienced this and have some STRONG FEELINGS about people who should really just mind their own business!! 🙁 )
If they’re teasing you just to get a reaction out of you—and I SO think they are—the most effective thing is to act like it doesn’t bother you. Even if it totally does! Normally, I’m all about expressing your true feelings about stuff. But this is kind of a different case. If people are trying to upset you, the best way to make it stop is by ignoring them. Then they get bored and move on (hopefully!).
As hard as it might be when people make comments like that, or sing super annoying songs, try to ignore them. Or if you can do it convincingly, roll your eyes or give them bored looks like they couldn’t POSSIBLY be more juvenile.
But if anyone teasing you is an actual friend, I wouldn’t ignore them. I’d talk to them directly and tell them to PLEASE STOP. Be honest with them before it’s too late. It’s okay to let that friend know when the comments bug you and your guy BFF. Also let that friend know how important their friendship is to you. And listen to how they feel, too.
Other than that, I don’t know if there is a way to get people to shut up. Like…this is advice I give A LOT and sometimes I feel like a broken record. But the fact is, it’s good advice for a lot of situations: You can’t really change how other people act. You can only change how you let their actions affect YOU.
When people tease you like that, it’s SUPER annoying, no doubt. It’s also embarrassing, but you’d NEVER want it to make you AND your BFF so uncomfortable that it gets in the way of your awesome friendship!
I hope that helps, and that people quit bugging you soon. I’m glad you’ve got a tight guy-girl friendship. It’s rare and you’re really lucky!! 🙂
Hey readers! Have you ever gotten teased for a guy-girl friendship? How did you handle it? Give us all the deets in the comments!
DO I HAVE A CRUSH??
LIZ THINKS THAT I HAVE A CRUSH ON SOMEONE. WHO DO YOU THINK IT MIGHT BE?
In today’s vlog, Lizzy Sharer starts asking Carter Sharer questions about if he has a crush on someone. Carter totally wasn’t ready to be vlogging, but Liz insisted that she needed to know if he likes someone. Carter kept trying to get Liz to tell him who she has a crush on but she wouldn’t say anything! Carter told Liz that he definitely has a crush on someone but he wouldn’t say who! Is she on YouTube? What does she look like? Comment #CRUSH below with who you think Carter likes!!
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I Have a Crush on My Friend. How Can I Tell Him?
How do you tell a friend you’ve known for years and never considered as a potential mate that you have changed your mind? Reality is, as I’ve evolved and grown, I realize that he is absolutely amazing.
Good for you that you’ve evolved and grown to appreciate a man that you’ve never before considered as a potential mate. The only issue standing between you and eternal happiness is this minor one: does this guy think that YOU are absolutely amazing and a potential mate?
If not, this might be an ill-fated love affair.
The only issue standing between you and eternal happiness is this minor one: does this guy think that YOU are absolutely amazing and a potential mate?
Your email is short on information, so I’m left to extrapolate based on my experience as a dating coach. But one thing I can say definitively is this: if this man once had a crush on you and you turned him down because he wasn’t your type, you have a MUCH better chance of entering into a relationship with him. Men, especially nice guys, often stay “friends” with women in hopes of some miraculous situation like yours, where one day, you wake up and realize that the love of her life is right under your nose. (Don’t hold your breath, nice guys, women still tend to prefer the cocky unavailable types.)
On the other hand, if you’ve never had any indication that your friend has had any romantic interest in you before, what makes you think he might be interested in you? Because you’re interested in him? Sorry, but there’s no correlation. Unless he’s a super shy guy who doesn’t understand what every man has been taught since he’s 10 years old – men ask out women – my reflexive reaction is to wonder why he hasn’t ever made a move on you in all of your years as friends? My guess is not that he “didn’t want to ruin the friendship” but rather that he wasn’t attracted to you in “that way.” So, to me, the future of your crush isn’t really at all dependent on how you tell your friend, Anna. It’s dependent entirely upon whether he’s been holding a torch for you for all these years. If he has been, you’re in luck. If not, prepare to have a very, very awkward conversation with your close friend. Either way, I recommend you do it under the influence of alcohol.