How To: Talk Trash — AskMen
Guy Lessons: A Complete Guide To Talking Trash
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All social animals communicate with each other: bees buzz, dogs bark, wolves howl, and men trash talk. Whether facing off in a boardroom or going head-to-head on the basketball court, men delight in intimidating one another through the use of disparaging, taunting or boastful comments. If you haven’t already mastered the essential trash-talk skill, it’s high time you added it to your repertoire. After all, you should never enter a war of words unarmed.
This article is for entertainment purposes only. AskMen cannot be held responsible if our well-meaning advice results in you being beaten like a rented mule.
Invoke his momma
Nothing gets another guy’s goat quite like insulting his own flesh and blood, and nothing is quite as insulting as targeting his mother as a source of derision. You’ll be sure to ruffle your opponent’s feathers by dispensing the following classic “yo momma” jokes:
“Yo momma’s so fat that when she turns around, people give her a welcome back party.”
«Yo momma’s so ugly her parents had to tie a steak around her neck to get the dog to play with her.”
“Yo momma’s so old she’s in Jesus’ yearbook.”
“Yo momma’s so poor she went to McDonald’s and put a milkshake on layaway.”
“Yo momma’s so ugly, when she walks into a bank, they turn off the surveillance cameras.”
Whether your comments bear any real resemblance to your opponent’s mother is far less important than your ability to keep them coming at a breakneck pace.
Tell them what you’re going to do before doing it
Athletes — boxers in particular — are experts at verbally prepping their opponents for the beat downs they’re about to receive. Just look at Hall of Fame trash-talker Muhammad Ali. The veteran pugilist once noted of an opponent, “I’ll beat him so bad he’ll need a shoehorn to put his hat on.” Or how about Mike Tyson, who once said of Lennox Lewis: «I want to rip out his heart and feed it to him. I want to kill people. I want to rip their stomachs out and eat their children.» These men, and others of their ilk, know the value of showing up your adversary before the game even begins.
Make it personal
Although generic insults are generally effective, you’ll be sure to inflict far more damage by specifically tailoring your trash talk to your opponent and his lifestyle. Are they cheap? Tell them they make Ebenezer Scrooge look like Bill Gates. Are they dim-witted? Tell them to sell their IQ when it gets to 60 points. Do they work in a dead-end job? Taunt them endlessly about their minimum wage salary and clip-on tie. Making trash talk isn’t for the faint of heart, so check your political correctness at the door and go for the jugular.
Any moron can swear and hurl invectives. If you really want your trash talk to be memorable, it’s important to be clever and creative. Rather than telling your opponent he’s a horrible player, tell him his game has “more holes than a slice of Swiss cheese,” or casually inform him that he’s like a bundle of firewood because “he’s always getting burned.”
Celtics legend Larry Bird was a master of this technique. During the three-point shooting contest at All-Star Weekend in 1986, Bird famously eyeballed his competition for several minutes before saying: «I’m just looking around to see who’s gonna finish up second.» Bird knew then, as countless other ballers know now, that if you elevate your trash talk to an art form you’ll be sure to stand out from the crowd.
You’ll be a trash-talk pro after reading these tips…
Trash Talk — AskMen
Guy Lessons: A Complete Guide To Talking Trash
Page 2 of 2
Don’t back down
Much like dogs, veteran trash-talkers can smell fear and they’ll become even more relentless if they sense a hint of surrender in the air. Therefore, keep your trash talk coming and show them you’re willing to match them insult for insult. Winston Churchill famously did just that during his time as Britain’s prime minister when a disapproving female accused him of being drunk. Without batting an eyelash, Churchill looked at the woman and responded: “I may be drunk, Miss, but in the morning I will be sober and you will still be ugly.” Zing!
Get inside their heads
There’s no better way of throwing your opponent off his game than to play with his mind. Bulls legend Scottie Pippen did this masterfully in 1997 during Game 1 of the NBA finals against the Utah Jazz. With 14 seconds remaining and Karl “The Mailman” Malone on the free-throw line, Pippen causally went up to the bulky power forward and told him: “The Mailman don’t deliver on Sundays.” The clever comment completely threw Malone off his game causing him to miss both shots and allowing the Bulls to hold on for the win.
Build yourself up
Hurling insults is only one half of the trash-talking equation. It’s also important to build yourself up with a string of superlatives and outrageous boasts. Try telling your opponents that you’re “the greatest show on earth” or that you’re “the ninth wonder of the world.” Suggest that your shots are “as accurate as sniper fire” or take a page out of Muhammad Ali’s play book and declare yourself “the greatest of all time.” The more over-the-top your claims, the more effective they’ll be in getting under the skin of your adversaries.
Rub it in
Now isn’t a time to feign modesty. If you’ve beaten your opponent, let him know about it in no uncertain terms. Gloat, celebrate and rub his face in your victory, regardless of how small or meaningless it may be. Tell your opponent he isn’t “fit to hold your jockstrap,” suggest he “look for his game in the lost and found” and inform him he’s “such a colossal loser he’d place second in a loser contest.” You’re the champion and short of creating a time machine, he can’t do a thing to take that away from you.
Walk the walk
It’s wonderful if you can talk the talk, but it’s also important that your own personal performance be above reproach. Whether you’re playing street ball or engaging in a friendly drinking game, it’s essential that your skills be second to none. Don’t let your mouth write checks that your body clearly can’t cash.
Don’t forget The hand gestures
Sometimes gestures can speak louder than words, especially when they’re universally recognizable. Augment your trash talk by forming an “L” on your forehead and directing it at your opponent or, if you’re feeling more adventurous, you can try tossing in a crotch grab, a chin flick, a cutthroat gesture or a derisive wanking motion. Your combination of physical gestures and endless banter will be a one-two punch your opponent won’t be able to ignore.
people are talking
When it comes to trash-talking it doesn’t matter who hurls the first insult so long as you get in the last word. You’ll know you’ve won your war of words when you’ve left your opponent utterly speechless.
Trash Talk HC
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Trash Talk | Definition of Trash Talk by Merriam-Webster
Definition of trash talk
: disparaging, taunting, or boastful comments especially between opponents trying to intimidate each other
How to trash talk an Alabama football fan
Note: The following commentary was written in conjunction with AL.com for tonight’s College Football Playoff between Alabama and Michigan State. In honor of the Cotton Bowl, we’ve asked Alabama reporter Haley Laurence to give Spartans fans a guide to trash talking the Tide. See our guide on «How to trash talk a Michigan State fan» here.
Hi, Spartan fans. I hear you have a pretty big football game coming up on New Year’s Eve against a pretty formidable opponent. Y’all will definitely have to fight for a win against Derrick Henry and Co.
One thing you won’t have to fight hard for? A victory in the trash-talking game. Why is that? Well, because I’m about to help you with that. After living in the Crimson-clad state for almost three decades as an Auburn fan, I know exactly what to say to get Bama fans agitated — and man, do their faces get red when they get mad. You really should see it for yourself. It’s almost kind of precious.
But enough of that. Here’s what you need to say to make sure you’re at the top of the trash-talking game.
Mention their mythical national championships
For some irrational reason, Bama fans love talking about their 15 national championships. If you talk to a Bama fan, he or she will probably say «Got 15?» multiple times in the first two minutes. (Pro tip: Just make a drinking game out of it. Every time a Bama fan mentions the number «15,» just take a drink. You’ll need all the booze you can get to get through the conversation.)
The problem with all these national championships? No one else recognizes 15 except for the university. If you want to make the Crimson Tide fans really fume, just bring up 1941 — when the team finished third in the SEC and 20th in the AP poll — but still claim a national championship for that year. It really makes no sense, like the time Scarlett Johansson dated Sean Penn. (Really, ScarJo, what were you thinking?)
Tell them houndstooth is ugly
Legendary Crimson Tide coach Paul «Bear» Bryant was a fan of houndstooth, and no Bama fan will ever, ever forget that. Houndstooth is everywhere in Alabama. It’s on groomsmen cakes. It’s on Christmas trees. It’s on probably 5 percent of all clothing. I haven’t seen a houndstooth tombstone yet, but I’m pretty sure it exists and is located in the state of Alabama.
Call them «Gumps»
Many Bammer fans are OK with being called Bammers, but there’s one no-no: They don’t respond well to being called a Gump. Here’s the definition straight from the world’s pre-eminent news source, Urban Dictionary: «A typical Alabama football fan. Usually so delusional that they think Bear Bryant is still alive. They also believe that Nick Satan actually likes the toothless fanbase. So, naturally, call them Gumps.
Ask them if they participated in the ‘Running of the Gumps’
OK, here’s some background. Each year, the University hosts Alabama Fan Day, where Bammers get to watch the Crimson Tide scrimmage and yada yada yada. Here’s the clincher: At the end of the day, the thousands of fans who show up get an opportunity to meet the players and coaching staff — yes, including Nick Saban. The catch? They gotta run down the field to get to them.
This, of course, leads to an embarrassing, embarrassing scene. It’s what you would imagine if Apple offered new 1-cent Macbooks on Black Friday — and Nick Saban is a Macbook. (Although, real talk: Saban is definitely more of a PC man.) But I’ll stop explaining and let you watch it. Seriously, it must be watched.
Remind them that this man runs their offense
Tell them you plan to storm the field and tear down the goalposts when you win
One thing that Bama fans are mighty proud of: The fact that, for all we know, no one has stormed the field after a victory at Bryant-Denny Stadium, and they’ve especially never torn down a goalpost there. They’re just so used to victory, according to them, that they’d never resort to anything so uncouth. (This is the perfect time to scroll back up to the Running of the Gumps.)
Once again, the logic really makes no sense, but by now we’ve established that very few things they do make sense. But the joke’s on them. Storming the field after a major win is fun, and who wants to argue with fun? Auburn had plenty of fun storming the field after the 2013 Iron Bowl which leads to …
Ask them if they have a second …
If there’s anything that a Bammer is tired of, it’s hearing about the 2013 Iron Bowl. In one second, all of their SEC and national championship hopes were obliterated for the season, and it ended all chances of a three-peat national championship.
So, obviously ask them if they have a second.
Or just mention the Kick Six in general
Tell them Saban’s leaving Alabama after this season
Each year, rumors begin that Saban is ready to leave Bama. All of them have thus far been unfounded, but that doesn’t mean that the Crimson Tide faithful doesn’t get anxious near the end of each season.
The magic words to make it sound like you’re in the know? Tell them, «Miss Terry (his wife) is unhappy in Tuscaloosa and wants to move.» Works every time.
Just say Cam Newton’s name
Noted Bama Arch Nemesis Cam Newton is in the news almost every day, and that displeases most Bammers. What displeases Bammers makes for excellent trash talk.
Sing a reverse ‘Rammer Jammer’ to them
After each win, even to cupcake schools, Crimson Tide fans chant «Rammer Jammer» to the opposing team, which includes classy lines such as «We just beat the hell out of you.»
Luckily, Auburn’s already created a reverse «Rammer Jammer» that’s up for use.
Call them ‘Harvey Updykes’
Updyke is known for poisoning Auburn’s famous Oak trees at Toomer’s Corner, and Bammers hate it when you compare them to him. So, obviously, call them that. A lot. Ask them if they plan on destroying any East Lansing landmarks. (But seriously, East Lansing: Guard your city.)
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hey every1.. sry for the cheezy subject 😛