How Do Lesbians Have Sex? And Other Questions You’re Too Embarrassed To Ask
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How To Have Sex: Things You Should Never Do While Having Sex | First Time Sex Tips | Sex Karne ke Tarike
When you’re in bed with your lover, the last thing you want to do is turn them off. Not everyone is clear on his mind on how to have sex which feels great. That said, here are a few common blunders that you should not commit.
1. Not kissing
Believe it or not, many people (and this includes women) don’t kiss their partner when they’re having sex. Why? Perhaps because the positioning doesn’t allow for it or they are too eager to climax and feel that it might break the rhythm. Nevertheless, it is highly recommended that you make an effort to kiss your partner during the act – it will only add to the experience.
2. Biting before your partner’s ready
While many people enjoy an aggressive partner, biting any part of their body before they are aroused may lead to pain and discomfort (and might even lessen the chances of any further action ) or simply scare them off. So make sure your partner is fully excited before you bite their ear, shoulders, neck or any other part of their body.
3. Ignoring everything but sexualised parts
Genitals are great, no doubt, but you should definitely pay attention to other parts of your lover’s body and focus for some time on their entire body – knees, wrists, back and stomach are highly erogenous zones for men as well as women. Gently caressing these areas will help excite your partner further; in turn, increasing the chances of them pleasuring you back.
4. Putting your weight on your partner
Even if you’re a girl! It’s okay to lose yourself in the moment every once in a while and go crazy on your lover. But when you’re lying on top of them, you have to be careful not to drop your weight on them. Chocking them or hindering their ability to breathe will anyway kill the moment and any chances of some good action.
5. Climaxing too soon/ too late
This one is especially for men. You need to have good control on your muscles to ensure that you can ejaculate at an appropriate time. Too soon and you may leave your partner unsatisfied; too late and it might leave your partner feeling as if they’re pumping iron at the gym. To avoid this, spend a lot more time on foreplay (this will help men as well as women). If you take too long and can only ejaculate via manual stimulation, do your best to get your partner to orgasm and then they can return you the favour.
6. Not warning your partner before you climax
If you’re going to let go – and this applies even to women – whether during oral sex or intercourse, you need to tell your partner beforehand. Something as simple as «I’m going to let go,» will suffice. Your partner deserves to know.
7. Treating sex like porn
Although some couples enjoy having raunchy sex, you’d be wise to talk to your partner before you engage in such behaviour. If you begin being nasty with your lover without knowing if they like it first, chances are the scenario won’t end on a happy note.
8. Staying quiet
Do you like to hear it when your partner is having a good time? So pay them the same respect and speak up when you’re enjoying yourself. Something as simple as a little moan, or even saying something like, «that feels so good,» will encourage them and educate them further on your moan zones.
9. Mechanical act
It may feel comfortable to you to pump away like you do at the gym, but you’ll quickly discover that most people don’t enjoy such an act. Mix it up a little bit; go fast at times, then slowly. Be creative and you’ll find yourself enjoying some variation too.
How to have a married life full of exciting sex!
How often do the happiest couples have sex? (It’s less than you think)
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By Wendy Rose Gould
Throw on your favorite sitcom, head to the movie theater or pick up a classic piece of literature, and you’ll find recurring motif: all these couples dance away “happily ever after.” Even scrolling through your social media feeds can have you wondering, “Is my relationship normal?” especially when it comes to sex and intimacy.
“We have lots of expectations about how relationships are ‘supposed’ to look,” says Dr. Logan Levkoff, who received her PhD in human sexuality, marriage and family life education from New York University. “Many times, this fairy-tale model doesn’t mimic our lives or our realities.”
How Often Should You Have Sex?
Regarding sex — and how much we “should” be having — Levkoff says there’s no ‘normal,’ and that all relationships are different. “Normal” is whatever feels fulfilling for you and your partner, and communication plays a key role in making sure both parties feel fulfilled.
That said, a 2017 study that appeared in the Archives of Sexual Behavior found that the average adult currently enjoys sex 54 times a year, which equates to about once a week. This is less sex, by about nine per year, compared to a similar study done in the 1990s. Interestingly, though, another study published in Social Psychological and Personality Science — which surveyed over 30,000 Americans over 40 years for three different projects — discovered that a once weekly frequency was the Goldilocks standard for happiness. Couples who had sex more than once a week didn’t report being any happier, and those who had sex less than once a week reported feeling less fulfilled.
“Normal” is whatever feels fulfilling for you and your partner, and communication plays a key role in making sure both parties feel fulfilled.
The Importance of Sexual Intimacy
Sexual intimacy is vital in any relationship, and not just for the sensual pleasure of it all.
“Closeness and connection is a human need,” explains Dr. Sanam Hafeez, a NYC-based licensed clinical psychologist. “When in a long-term relationship it’s important to reconnect through sex. The brain chemicals released during sex further enhances bonding.”
Levkoff concurs, adding that sex doesn’t always have to be limited to intercourse, either. Physical intimacy — including cuddling, oral and manual stimulation and sharing of sexual fantasies — contribute to this bonding. At the end of the day, the focus shouldn’t be on hitting a “magic number,” but rather on meeting the needs of both partners and bonding through intimacy as a couple.
Couples who had sex more than once a week didn’t report being any happier, and those who had sex less than once a week reported feeling less fulfilled.
5 Reasons We’re Not Having Enough Sex
While it’s perfectly normal to not be up for sex from time to time, things become problematic when sex becomes a chore, and when physical intimacy is no longer a priority in your relationship. To fix it, you must understand the causes and then make appropriate changes.
Stress manifests a multitude of ways and impacts both mental and physical health. Mentally, it can make you feel overwhelmed, checked out, irritable and even depressed. Physically, you can experience upset stomachs and headaches, induced by excess cortisol in the blood. All of the above can put a major damper on your libido, says Levkoff.
To reduce stress, be on the lookout for symptoms and anticipate stressors. Reprioritize what’s important to you, don’t be afraid to say no, meditate, do breathing exercises, and carve out time for yourself and your partner. Also, take care of your body by eating well, getting adequate sleep and exercising often.
2. Body Insecurity
“Body insecurity is a common cause, especially when it’s not only about appearance, but the feeling of being bloated and just not at your best,” explains Hafeez. Those with low self-esteem in regard to body image often experience feelings of shame or embarrassment about being naked in front of their partner and lack the sexual confidence to initiate or engage in sexual intimacy.
Though difficult, address your insecurities head on. Mentally lift yourself up instead of berating or nitpicking your appearance, and employ a professional who can help along the way. Do things that make you happy and build confidence, and exercise often, which releases endorphins and can give you a greater appreciation of your body.
3. Chronic Medical Issues
“Chronic conditions, like rheumatoid arthritis, pain, fatigue, stiffness, swelling, vaginal dryness and limited function, can also impact libido,” says Levkoff, who has covered this topic extensively. Certain conditions, and medications, can impact your sexual desire or your ability to become physically aroused. Consult your physician — someone who will support you throughout this conversation — about treatment plans and ways you can work toward greater sexual fulfillment.
4. Smart Devices
“The irony of technology is that while it makes us feel intellectually more connected to people, it can isolate us even further from one another when it comes to intimacy,” says Levkoff. It’s good habit to keep electronics — including phones and TVs — out of the bedroom. Take it one step further by leaving your smart phone in the car during dinner, in another room when you’re at home, and installing a “tech curfew,” says Hafeez.
5. Waning Connection
Sexual desire can be compromised if you’re not feeling emotionally connected to your partner. Rebooting that connection can be as simple as taking a kids-free weekend getaway, carving out regular time to hang out or sending sweet texts.
“Check in throughout the day. A kissy face emoji or a quick message sending love keeps the connection going,” says Hafeez. “Also, something as simple as walking together after dinner without phones, or dancing, can get good brain chemicals flowing.”
NEXT: How to give a better Valentine’s Day gift, according to researchers
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How to Meet, Date and Have Sex When You’re Disabled
You probably see someone with a physical disability almost every day: the blind man tapping his way across the street, the deaf woman signing to her boyfriend, the wheelchair-bound woman shopping at the grocery store, people on crutches, using walkers or leaning on canes. You may have thought of how hard it would be to live with the disability, getting around, doing errands and working at a fulfilling job.
Can you imagine what it is like for that person to date, negotiating restaurants, movie theaters and transportation? How about meeting a potential partner — where, exactly, do disabled people find romantic love? Did you ever think of what it would be like for a disabled person to have sex?
Just Like Us, Only Different
Disabled people are not lesser versions of able-bodied people, unable to engage in or enjoy sexual behavior. In fact, disabled people are members of a community with its own unique culture, filled with societal norms and behavioral expectations that are different, but no less rich or meaningful, than that of able-bodied individuals.
While it is true that living with a disability is difficult, the disability itself isn’t usually a negative or positive factor in that person’s life. The paralyzed legs aren’t bad or good ; they just are, just as people are male or female, Asian, Caucasian or African American. In turn, a disability, while physically limiting, is no more limiting to that person’s sexuality than one’s ethnicity or gender.
Media, television and movies have represented the sexual lives of persons with disabilities in one of two ways:
A master of the tongue, who, limited by his or her lower body’s inability to function, has compensated by learning to perform outstanding oral sex, foregoing any sexual needs of his or her own.
A bitter, asexual person, who is half the man (or woman) they used to be, unable to sexually perform and thus no longer completely human.
In reality, issues of sexual expression and attractiveness are no more or less important for the disabled than for the able-bodied — one’s desire to be found sexually desirable and have one’s sexual desires fulfilled does not simply go away because one has a prosthetic limb or paralyzed legs.
The disabled person must learn to negotiate his or her own mental, emotional and sexual terrain, just as do the able-bodied, coming to terms with their sexuality and finding the best way to express it.
Do You Have Sex?
Historically, people with disabilities have been regarded by much of society as freaks, sub-humans or cripples. Now that we, as a society, have begun to put aside those negative labels and are, instead, exploring the emotional lives of the disabled, we have found new ways to dehumanize them, asking such personal and ridiculous questions as, Can you have sex? Do you still even want to?
Human beings are born with sex drives regardless of ethnicity, gender, sexual orientation or disability status. While other minority groups, especially gay men and lesbian women, may be mocked or questioned about their specific sexual practices, it goes one step further for the disabled, who are not asked how they have sex, but if they are able to do it at all.
Perhaps the best way to address this question is to examine normal sexual behaviors, that is, heterosexual sexual practices. While penile-vaginal intercourse is certainly a common method of sexual expression, it is by no means the only way straight people have sex. What about oral or anal sex, kissing, fondling or cuddling?
Similarly, lesbian women express themselves sexually in other ways than by performing cunnilingus, and gay men don’t just have anal sex. Disabled people find a variety of ways to express themselves sexually, limited only by their physical bodies and their imaginations.
Meeting Mr. Right
If you think it’s hard to meet someone special, think of what it must be like for people with disabilities. Not only do they have to deal with the usual issues of personality, attraction and emotional behavior, but they must do so in a world not designed for visual, hearing and mobility-impaired people.
For example, think about the behaviors associated with flirting. You walk into a bar, spot a cute guy or girl, make eye contact and smile. A visually impaired person would get as far as the door, and then what? Wait for a seeing person to make the first move? Start talking to someone and hope he or she is nice? Whatever the method, the visually impaired person’s chances of meeting Mr. or Ms. Right are greatly reduced from those of the able-bodied.
Likewise, a hearing-impaired person can’t readily engage in
How do you have sex — Asking for a friend | Red Lipstick Project
How do YOU have sex? Yes. This is a question I’ve actually asked people.
How do you do sex?
Some people look confused and generalize their sexual preferences by saying “just like everyone else, I guess.” or “however my girlfriend will let me”.
Most people rattle off a list of their favorite sex positions. Missionary, reverse cowboy, upside down banana boat. Others name sex toys, kinks they like to explore or places they like to have sex.
But that doesn’t actually answer the question.
“How do you have sex when you’re in reverse cowboy or missionary or when you’re in the bathtub?”
Very very few people can answer that question.
So I’m going to give you some ideas.
But first I have to rant. At what point did sex become a series of positions that we move through mindlessly. I have learned from years of experience – You can have bad sex in any position. Of course, there are positions that make it more comfortable and give one person more control over things, but that doesn’t explain why some sex just feels better than other sex.
The way we MOVE during sex is what makes the difference between bad sex and good sex; and good sex and phenomenal sex.
It was this realization that made me start writing my Soul Shaking Sex Workshop Series.
Having great sex moves is literally about doing great sex movements that physiologically and emotionally connect you to your partner.
(Jerry Seinfeld knows what I’m talking about…)
People who follow Red Lipstick Project are often asking me questions like – why can’t I please my partner? why can’t i reach orgasm? what can I do to put the sexual spark back in my relationship?
Here’s the answer to all your questions – think about how you move during sex.
Start with sex and music
Sex is always better when music is playing. Your body naturally lines up with the rhythm and you unconsciously create movement to match the steady rise and fall of the lyrics. You pick up speed but lighten your grip on your partner’s body as the intensity of the bridge builds and breaks into the chorus. Instead of just pounding away at your partner, you end up finding the nuance within a line or two of the song to match the mood. You pull back and vary the depth and then when they beg for it, you pull them into your body with intense depth.
Sex with music feels better because you change your movements. Your breath, your hands, your dick/vagina, your body moves rhythmically with a ton of variation. You’re already totally capable of this. It’s easier than you think.
Understand the physics of sex
Remember 7th grade science? Me neither.
But talking about the basics of physics are imperative to understanding why movements and not positions make sex so much better. When you use velocity to slow down and speed up in response to your partner’s ebb and flow of orgasm – that’s amazing sex. Take a boring position and change the angle only slightly, and you can create a mind-blowing physiological reaction for both partners. Learn to balance friction with lubrication. Play with varying force to see how constraint and freedom create the push and pull of sexual power.
Being tuned in to the physics of how you mve is where unbe-fucking-lievable sex happens.
Try these moves
Fine, I’ll give you my top sex moves. I give more detail and context with these in the Soul Shaking Sex Series.
- Change the speed – slow things down
- Change your angle
- Vary the depth
- Learn to move in spiraling directions instead of just in and out
- Then reverse that direction
- Vary the pressure and friction of your bodies against each other (hands, chest, legs, etc.)
- Stop and then start again
When you play with these movements and you feel something start to really work – stick with it. Don’t change too often. Commit to an arc of movement. A slow speeding up or a gradual change in angle and depth. When your partner responds (ahem) positively, keep going down that path, follow the arc. Constantly changing speed and direction can be jarring.
Mix and match these moves until you create a series of amazing sex movements. You won’t need different positions to have awe inspiring sex. Have sex like you’re writing a goddamn song.
How Often Do ‘Normal’ Couples Have Sex?
At some point in life, many couples wonder and ask themselves, “What is the average amount of sex that other couples are having?” And though the answer is not perfectly clear, sex therapists have said many things about this very topic. Here is what they say, as well as some additional tips to help you get your sex life on track!
There is some question among sex therapists about what the true average is for couples in committed relationships. The answers can range from once a week to once a month! When Ian Kerner, PhD, was asked how he responds to couples who ask him how often they should have sex, he said, “I’ve always responded that there’s no one right answer.
When couples stop having sex, their relationships become vulnerable to anger, detachment, infidelity and, ultimately, divorce.
After all, a couple’s sex life is affected by so many different factors: age, lifestyle, each partner’s health and natural libido and, of course, the quality of their overall relationship, to name just a few
So while there may be no one right answer to the question of how often couples should have sex, lately I’ve somewhat been less equivocal and advise couples to try to do it at least once a week.” According to David Schnarch, PhD, through a study conducted with more than 20,000 couples, he found that only 26% of couples are hitting the once-a-week mark, with the majority of the respondents reporting sex only once or twice a month, or less!
However, another study, printed in The University of Chicago Press about 10 years ago, stated that married couples are having sex about seven times a month, which is a little less than twice a week. And in a third study, it was reported that out of the 16,000 adults interviewed, the older participants were having sex about 2 to 3 times per month, while younger participants said they were having sex about once a week.
Is Your Marriage in Trouble?
Most sex therapists agree that having sex less than 10 times a year is reason enough to label your marriage a sexless one. However, a lack of sex does not mean your marriage is in trouble, according to Schnarch. While sex may be the way couples typically express their love and desire for each other, a lack of sex doesn’t necessarily mean that you are headed for a break-up, though it is something that you should get a handle on. Dr. Kerner says, “Sex seems to be rapidly falling to the bottom of America’s to-do list; but, in my experience, when couples stop having sex their relationships become vulnerable to anger, detachment, infidelity and, ultimately, divorce. I believe that sex matters: It’s the glue that keeps us together and, without it, couples become ‘good friends’ at best, or ‘bickering roommates’ at worst.”
How to Sync Your Sex Drives
There are a lot of factors that need to fall into place to make sex something you are desiring. In many couples, a difference in opinion can be a problem. Al Cooper, from the San Jose Marital and Sexuality Centre, says, “In general, however, a couple’s problems are often less about sex, per se, than getting to the sex.
“If your sex drives are out of balance, your aim is to meet in the middle, having sex a bit more than one partner likes, but probably a bit less than the other likes.” – Dr. Gail Saltz
No couple’s willingness for sex at any given time lines up perfectly. The key is how well a couple negotiates the times when one initiates and the other refuses.” As with every issue in a relationship, sex and the frequency at which you have it requires compromise.
It may seem like a large mountain to climb, when you think of all the other things you deal with on a daily basis. Laundry, work, cooking meals, cleaning, and other tasks often seem more important than a quickie with your partner; but sex can become fun again! Kerner says, “Once we stop doing it, it’s easy to get stuck in a slump; but once we get back on track, we remember how much we missed it. The old adage ‘use it or lose it’ has some truth. So does my suggestion, ‘try it, you’ll like it.’”
At first, it might mean scheduling sex and making the time that leads up to the sex more intimate. Hug each other each day, exercise to increase your testosterone levels, and turn off the distractions, like the computer and TV. If you are still having problems with being able to engage in intimacy, seeing a sex therapist may really help you and your partner land on the same page!
This Is How Often Married Couples Are Really Having Sex
Throughout the course of a long-term relationship, there are so many moments that will give you pause and have you wondering, “Are we doing this the way everyone else is doing it? Is what we’re doing… normal? Is it okay?” Whether you’re wondering if other people your age have money in the bank, or if they’ve moved up the career ladder the same way you have, or if you’re running behind on having kids or… whether or not your sex life is as active as it “should” be, there’s an awful lot of room for wondering, or imagining what other people’s reality is. And really, a lot of that can stress you out. After all, it’s not really fun to spend time you could be having sex wondering if you’re having enough sex in the first place, right?
So recently we asked y’all to share the details about your sex lives via an anonymous survey (and whoa, thank you! to the 1,800 or so of you that gave us your nitty-gritty details). The idea to poll APW readers and ask how often they’re having sex with their partners was borne out of wanting to normalize questions about sex in general. Since data analysis is one of my secret superpowers, I volunteered to dig into this one for the APW team.
What really jumped out to me is the part that 254 of you dove into—the short answer to “How has your sex life changed throughout your relationship?” Because really? Whenever I’ve wondered if our sex life is what it should be, that’s the question I’m really asking—how does sex change over the years of a relationship? Y’all… let’s start with the charts, shall we?
Question 1: HOW LONG HAVE YOU BEEN TOGETHER?
Question 2: do you have kids?
Question 3: if you have kids, how many do you have?
Question 4: how often do you have sex?
Question 5: are you satisfied with your sex life?
The “Are you satisfied with your sex life?” question is where things get… interesting. There were three options for responses: yes, no, or a blank text box. A lot of you decided that you needed to write in a response, which is awesome to learn more about you… but was hard to quantify. So I took a stab at bucketing the responses (which means that I read every single one), and I quickly picked up on some themes. A large number of the write in responses were caveats—either a “yes, but…” or “no, but…” response to explain why you felt the way you did. A smaller subset of responses were either in the middle or simply designated as “other” for ease of data analysis.
Question 6: how has your sex life changed throughout your relationship?
A lot of you recognize that we could be having more sex, but life gets in the way—opposing work schedules, new babies, etc. Lots of respondents also wondered if they should want to want more sex, which had us asking ourselves does that come from society pushing an idea that a happy relationship means constant sex? No matter the source, many of you feel satisfied with your sex life but you wonder if you should still want more from it. It sounds like many of us have a mismatched libido from our partner—no matter who has the higher or lower libido, it’s a challenge. Several responses noted being satisfied with the amount of sex, but knowing that your partner isn’t, and thus you aren’t satisfied either. Some of you are really happy with your sex life, and told us how you worked at your sex life with your partner, and have come to a place where you’re both satisfied and excited.
A common theme through the responses was simply saying, “I want more sex.” We’re happy with the quality of sex we’re having with our partners, but the frequency is lacking. Family planning is affecting your sex life—whether it’s birth control that has affected your libido, or trying to conceive sucking the fun out of lovemaking, it’s having a negative effect on your sex life.
Despite your challenges with sex, so many of the responses talked about dealing with your new normal when it comes to physical intimacy with your partner. Many of you talked about your strategies, whether it was scheduling a sex date, or at least taking time to cuddle and connect. Almost all of the parent responses noted how hard it is to have regular sex while pregnant or with an infant in the house. Even when discussing issues with libido or other health problems, the comments noted how you’re still making it work with your partners, in whatever capacity you can. And for those of you who have the lower libidos, it was clear that you really want to satisfy your partners as much as possible:
It’s slowed down a lot since about maybe a year before marriage (we were living together for about two years before the wedding, and had been dating long distance for two years before that). I made jokes about Lesbian Bed Death. We are in an open relationship and both had satisfactory sexual encounters with others during this time (about once a week for me when I was seeing a secondary partner for about a year and a half). I’m starting to reevaluate my bisexuality as maybe demisexuality… I’m not that interested in sex overall and need physical closeness and comfort much more than sex. Could be age; could be hormones—I remember being much more sexually motivated ten to fifteen years ago.
We used to make out really intensely and awkwardly and frequently in college (we didn’t have sex until we were married). It took a little bit of time to get the sex going while we were married, but now we have a decent routine going which I’m pretty happy with. I think my husband would probably like to have sex more—but if he wants that to happen, he also needs to be willing to have evening/going to bed sex, which seems like the most practical kind to me, especially to work in on a weekday, but which we never have because he falls asleep instantly. We also use condoms and natural family planning for birth control, so we don’t have (PIV) sex for a good week or so a month because we are extra cautious (although we do other things). Since we mostly have sex on weekends, combining that with no period sex means that depending on the month, we could only have (PIV) sex two times, if those sex-blackout times fall during a weekend.
We were very sexually active when we began dating, but my husband has an anxiety disorder and depression that became quite serious a year after we got together and require medication. Between the depression and the side effects of the various medications my husband has been on, we go through periods where we don’t have much sex at all because he isn’t interested or has trouble completing the act (which stresses him out and makes him less interested). Add pregnancy and now a new baby to that and we’re definitely not getting busy the way we once did, but we have sex when we can and cuddle and kiss a lot to keep some intimacy alive.
We lived in the same city, each of us living with our parents during college when we started dating, and had extremely chill parents that were cool with us sleeping over at each others’ houses; that probably allowed us one to two times a week of sexy times. Then we were long distance for three and a half years, so almost any time we saw each other or visited each other we had sex during that time (short week-long trips every four to six months). We’ve now lived together for eight months and it’s a mostly-on-the-weekends thing (lots of late work nights during the week). The quality continues to get better and better; we were extremely young and inexperienced when we first got together (less than ten total partners between the two of us) and really grew up and matured as adults together.
I am looking forward to developing a sex life after the wedding, so it will be changing very soon. I am thrilled to have found a partner who loves and respects me, but also shares my desire to wait to have sex until after the wedding. The self-control required to achieve this goal has only shown me more of his strength. It definitely hasn’t always been easy. And, even though we may be new at this after our wedding (and fumble and make mistakes at first), I know I have chosen a partner who will work to develop a great sex life through communication and a desire for self-improvement. Since the beginning of our dating relationship until now, with forty-two days to go, we have definitely become very open about talking about sex and our associated desires, fears, etc., to make the transition into married life a smooth one.
Very little! We felt magnetic and deeply attracted to each other from the get-go and that hasn’t changed at all over the past eight years. We love making each other feel good and being so connected through sex, and sex still makes us feel like those giggly lovers who first hooked up. It’s so special.
We’ve been married almost six years, and we’ve had less sex the longer we’ve been married. My husband and I read the book The Five Love Languages and found that he was more affected by our lack of sex than I was. We’re working on it, but it’s hard because we have different needs, plus my birth control affects my sex drive, plus both of us have fairly stressful jobs.
There’s been a huge decrease in frequency as both of our jobs have become more demanding. When we first got together, in graduate school, we’d work from home, writing in the mornings and evenings but usually spending the afternoons in bed together. That sometimes still happens on holidays (the desire hasn’t changed), but too often we just have a monstrously long list of chores and deadlines.
Early on we had sex all the time! Like, two to four times a day, but we were also in our very early twenties. We are way too tired for that level of enthusiasm now, but are also thirty with a six-month-old baby. We didn’t have sex much at all while I was pregnant but are back to having sex a bit more frequently than we had been the past few years, which is nice!
We’ve been married for almost six years but together for twelve, and it’s definitely changed. We used to have sex at least once a week. Now it’s only once a month sometimes. Mainly my doing—the more stress I’m under, the less I want to have sex or I lose my sex drive. Also, having two kids has taken a toll on my body, and I was having some pain during sex and my sex drive has been at zero lately. And I really can’t blame the physical children now that they sleep well; I think it’s hormones and stuff that make me just not want sex as much. Hoping this changes though, because I miss the physical intimacy that me and my husband had, and the frequency.
Early on: multiple times a day, pretty much every day. Lots of oral sex for him. I didn’t like receiving oral (from him specifically—the mechanics were just not working and I didn’t care to “train” him), so less for me. Some novelty locations (outside, cars, etc.).
After a year or so: no more novelty locations, and we have sex maybe four to six times a week (there’s less oral sex for him too).
For a few in-between years: sex two to four times a week. Learning about this “maintenance sex” thing. Quality sometimes not great.
Last couple of years: quality and frequency increasing again, and we had some real conversations about our preferences (mostly training partner in improved oral techniques, and educating him on the real importance of foreplay, etc., and… sex is better than ever). A little more spontaneous again, though not as much as it was when we started out, but maintenance sex is okay, too. It’s really nice to have a(n increasingly complete) sexual vocabulary and menu (from tender and intimate, to “I am a motherfucking goddess” spirituality, to whatever level of kink you’re comfortable with, to the occasional conflicted feelings “I will tolerate or do this (totally normal thing) for you now because sometimes we do things just for the other person and that sometimes the thing to do is sex,” to “We should just do this because we know our lives are better when we do, and if it goes too long we get cranky, whereas, if we just do it, it has it’s own virtuous cycle, which always leaves me wanting more, more often…”).
Also amazing: sex toys, and making your own videos at home, and then watching them together. Convincing your partner to try a tenga egg (fun!)… so many delights.
Also life changing: Come As You Are by Emily Nagoski.
Always peaks and valleys over the years, depending on what else is going on with our lives. But quality has been better since we’re done having kids; I think trying to get pregnant/having a newborn made my husband uncomfortable. Now we’re at peace with periodic dry spells (with two little kids, sometimes there’s just not time!), we know what each other likes, and we are more apt to just say “fuck it, it’s been a while, we need to Do It” (which is not spontaneous but still a lot of fun!).
My wife and I have been married for going on three years and together for just over eleven. We first got together when we were nineteen and had sex every day, sometimes more than once a day. Holy shit. I cannot even imagine where we got the energy. We’ve obviously mellowed out since then and how often we have sex varies, but we usually average out to one to two times a week. Recently it’s been less, maybe once every ten days or so? I don’t really keep track until I realize it’s been a while. But between the Trump presidency, trying to make a baby, a new job, and mental health stuff, it just hasn’t been a priority recently. Which sucks, but we always come back to each other and get back into the rhythm (ew, sorry) again.
did you take the survey? are you surprised by any of the results? are you happy with how your sex life has changed over the years, or do you wish it were different?